The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
as a side note pls kill me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
