Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
