Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
