I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
