what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
