That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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