i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
