Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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