I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
