I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
