Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I can't turn off my feet"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
