Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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