I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
