Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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