at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
