i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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