dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
then he tried to convert me to islam
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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