you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
