i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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