the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We are two peas in an std pod
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
