Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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