uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
