At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
