U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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