Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize