I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
