fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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