when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
