I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
