You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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