FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
