I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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