just tell him i said nine months
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
