I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
