well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
