he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
me + whiskey = a bad person
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize