my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize