I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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