This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
