Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
