so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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