I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
