The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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