Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
