You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
