I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
