I puked a lego.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
