If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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