I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
