YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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