Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
