I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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