i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
