Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
