you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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